Anti-terror bill requires all americans to install Windows XP - 500 Beiträge pro Seite

[day_sleeper]

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — President Bush signed sweeping anti-terrorism legislation Friday that gives police unprecedented ability to search and eavesdrop by requiring all Americans to install Windows XP.

The latest Microsoft operating system, which was released Thursday, XP has come under heavy fire from privacy advocates who say it coerces users into signing up for its Passport and .NET services, which collect extensive personal information and will allow Microsoft to track, profile, and monitor Internet usage without users` knowledge. To access that data, the anti-terror act mandates that the F.B.I. become an official Microsoft partner.

"For us to defeat our enemies, we need to do our jobs so that people don`t realize they`re being tracked and don`t realize that their sensitive information is susceptible to being exposed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Fortunately, Microsoft has developed just such a tool, and for the common good, it is incumbent upon all Americans to do their duty and install this program."

"Hold on, I read the wrong statement," Ashcroft added. "That was from Microsoft`s marketing manual."

Speaking at a press conference in Redmond, Wash., Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was surprisingly candid about XP`s information gathering capabilities.

"Naturally, in our business, we`d like to know as much as we can about everyone we can," he said. "That`s a great way to judge things like satisfaction and loyalty. And it certainly wouldn`t hurt in that regard if we always knew what you were doing and where you were going. Is that illegal? I don`t think so, and apparently Congress doesn`t think so, but I admit I haven`t read the whole Constitution."

"Hold on, I read the wrong statement," Ballmer added. "That`s something Ashcroft said to me at a party last night."

[thomfly]

[day_sleeper]

IT`S OFFICIAL: EVERYBODY HATES MICROSOFT

Iowa Farm Girl, Last Holdout; Gives in After Talk with Preacher
WATERLOO, IOWA (SatireWire.com) — Sixteen-year-old high school sophomore Becky Atherton, believed to be the last remaining American who did not hate Microsoft, announced today that she was "tired of being different" and would now hate Microsoft just like everyone else.

"Okay, I hate `em too, I guess," Atherton told a cheering crowd at a press conference in the gymnasium at Oak Bluff High School. "I mean, like, God, I`m just so tired of being the only one who doesn`t."

Secret Service agents then whisked her away to take a congratulatory phone call from the President. She spoke to Larry Ellison for nearly 10 minutes before returning to the press conference.

Atherton said she has been under relentless pressure from parents, teachers, classmates, and the media to be a "good citizen" and hate Microsoft. However, she said, "I just couldn`t. I mean, I didn`t know anything about them or antitrust or anti-whatever. Why would I hate them?" In addition, she said, since becoming the last holdout — a Detroit auto mechanic and his six-month-old son declared their hatred two weeks ago — Microsoft has plied her with new computers, and promised to name its next operating system "Becky."

But then Atherton, who described herself as deeply religious, said she was visited by her minister. "He explained that you can hate something without knowing a lot about it, and that sometimes you just have to take it on faith," she recalled.

"We are just so proud of our little Becky," said her mother, Marian Atherton, who has hated Microsoft since reading a newspaper article about the company 1998. "We were so worried about her being the last one — you know how teenagers are; they just want to be so darn different. But we prayed on it, and our prayers were answered."

Mrs. Atherton said she intends to thank Billy Graham personally when the family heads to Dulles, Va., where AOL will hold a ticker-tape parade in Becky`s honor.

A Microsoft spokesman said the company was "saddened" by Atherton`s decision, and insisted Microsoft hating was "just a fad." He said the company will now focus its attention on Renee Lemaire, believed to be the only Canadian who has yet to hate the company.

[day_sleeper]

Hopp jetzt.

[day_sleeper]

CASE SETTLED: JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY

Alternative OS Maker Used Anti-Competitive Practices Against Itself

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department today announced a settlement in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple Computer, as both sides agreed Apple`s history of "self-inflicted, anti-competitive" management practices is primarily to blame for turning Microsoft into an illegal monopoly.

"We had already won the case, so we were thinking in terms of penalties, and when you do that, it is imperative that you punish those most responsible," said Assistant U.S. Attorney General Charles James. "Well, we couldn`t ignore that since its inception, Apple had numerous opportunities to dominate the operating system market, but instead, management incompetence and arrogance resulted in decisions that gave us the Microsoft we know today."

"We believe it`s time for Apple to pay for that market manipulation," he added.

In a press conference supporting the settlement, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates tearfully recalled "disturbing, half-blocked memories" of a young Microsoft`s life.

"We never wanted to become a monopoly, but (Apple) pretty much forced us into it," said an obviously bitter Gates. "Everybody knew they had the best computer. Everybody knew they had the best operating system. But what did they do? Time and time again, they let us win."

"I didn`t recognize it at first. I thought they were genuinely trying," he added. "But when they came out with the Newton, I should have known they were purposely steering us toward market domination. I feel... used."

Attorneys general from 18 states, which had originally sought aggressive penalties against Microsoft, said they were satisfied with the agreement, and noted that Microsoft likely would have won on appeal by claiming entrapment.

"We could have punished Microsoft, but that wouldn`t have solved the problem. Apple would still be around to do it all over again," said Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal. "No, you can either penalize the monster, or you can penalize Dr. Frankenstein. We choose the latter."

Under the agreement, Apple must pay for all of Microsoft`s legal fees, and will be allowed to continue making one only one product. Reached at Apple`s headquarters, CEO Steve Jobs said he had not decided what product that would be, but was leaning toward the new iPod MP3 music player, "because we`ve invested heavily in it, and it`s probably not going to sell."

In the anti-trust case, Microsoft had been charged with using unfair tactics to crush competition and restrict choice by manipulating computer manufacturers and consumers into using Microsoft`s operating systems and browsers. None of this would have happened, Constitutional scholars agreed, if Apple hadn`t made "so many amazingly bad business moves" over the years.

This anti-competitive, pro-Microsoft-monopoly behavior began in the 1980s, when, unlike Microsoft, Apple refused to license its operating system to other computer makers to build clones. In an even more disastrous decision, Apple licensed its software to Microsoft so it could develop applications for the Macintosh operating system. Not long thereafter, Microsoft came out with its first Windows product, which looked "remarkably like" Apple`s.

"`Hey Bill, here`s the source code to our operating system. But no cheating!`" quipped Blumenthal. "I think we should shut down Apple on that move alone."

As the years went by, Apple management`s reaction to its steady decline was to insist that its products would win because they were better, and to continually charge more for them until, by 1994, it decided it would allow clones to be built after all. This was followed by the decision that it would not allow clones to be built after all, then by a decision that it would allow it, then it wouldn`t, and finally, no one cared.

[Deep Thought]

Klasse Thread, Gratuliere!

Falls jemand noch einen satirischen Thread genießen möchte:

"Kamps startet B2B Plattform " von Brad lesen!

mit beschwingtem Gruß

D.T.

[day_sleeper]

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsoft`s standing as the world`s most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

"Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so that`s 1 billion patches," said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. "That is an enormous, undeveloped market."

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a "mad scramble" among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was "really quite simple."

"Everyone here is asking themselves, `Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?`" he said.

But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. "Considering the sheer number of patches we`re talking about, I think the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people who`ve jumped ship very well know that."

"Nonsense. It`s really all about consumer choice," responded Patchsoft`s new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com). Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsoft`s upgrade site. "That was planned," he said. "It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything."

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers (CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits collaboration.

"Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. They`ll just have to be surprised," he said.

"So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft," he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of Patchsoft. "This seems like a logical split right now, but what if Microsoft`s products improve to the extent that patches are needed less frequently, or perhaps not at all?" she asked.

"I`m sorry, I can only respond to serious questions," Blumenthal answered.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.